the bed beneath the stars that shine

2006-09-18T18:29:00.000+08:00

would it all have been any better if we never met?
would i be the same if i've never seen you?
i thought meeting you was the start of something new..
but all faded just like that..
i wish for you to be happy.
but you've never tried me..
not meant to be?
insomnia
im really struggling to keep up with time
coz all this while
ive been in my own world
thinking you were there
but the fact is
you've left
you're never coming back
i have to accept it
but just which part of that cant i accept?
im still lamenting over my loss
i wish for things to be like before
i wish to see you again
i wish to see your smile
which will totally make me forget the world
and your touch
simply makes me feel alive and real
your words
everything about you
is probably the reason why i choose to live
even after 050906
if i didnt sound serious i was just afraid i mite lose you
but when i sounded serious, it scared you
i tink of this every day u noe
n its like
im pondering
upon what needs to be pondered
whatever it is
its giving me a bad migraine
not that i choose to think
but you fill my thoughts most of the time
WHY?????!!!!!!!!
why must i lose those i really care for
whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy
n tiz will go on n on n on
trust me
yikes..
i still have it all
im just waiting for you to meet up with me
so that i can pass it to you
hmmmmm
m still waiting
even if death was nearing
i'd still wait i guess
there is no reason why i love you so much
i just do
wont say much
i'll just contain
you're one whom i can talk to so easily about anything
thats just so rare
n now
i dont talk to any1
i feel like i havent gotten over it
you seem to be the only one who can undo this so called hurt
but who cares
you're not gonna help anyway
coz u got ur own life to lead
ya
wont bother you much
i wont talk much to you
i will only if you start talking to me
which is like..
NEVER?
WHY!!!???
n im losing weight
yikes
i just hope death is nearing
so i need not bear the pain any longer
coz truth is i CANT
i cant i cant n i cant
im easily defeated
esp when it comes to love
you fill my world with red
but you took it all away
n left me with nothing
i wish to retrace our steps
i wish to be holding your hands
i wish to see myself as the one who makes you happy
the one who brings joy to your life
the one who completes you
i had a dream
a weird one
that is one of the gals whom i used to have a crush on
n who looks soooo much like YOU
came up to me n said
you're just not up to my expectation
no looks
no nothing
geez
why would she say that
is that what you've been trying to tell me?
why wont you send me a msg asking how i m or something
why cant things be like before??!!
simple
i noe
i made u change ur feelings towards me
ryte>?????
im sure it is
anyways
i miss u though
not to mention
i miss u so much that yesterday
i was ordering my food
and suddenly
i thought i detected ur scent
i immediately turned
hoping to c u or sumthing
this is really getting to me
n at nite i keep getting the scent
its weirdly scary
coz im all alone in my room
i sure miss the way u look at me
i miss u n everything about you
i wish we can start again
like nothing happened..
i wish
n til the day all is being heard
i'll keep wishing til i die
for you'd never see what my heart says..
really

2006-09-11T19:05:00.000+08:00

finally, i completed it..
this is specially for you.. (you should noe who u r)

Reliving those pleasant memories i shared with this beautiful girl,
So many times i've tried but failed to do the unthinkable,
I dont wish for this to be the end of something deemed to be memorable,
I dont see the end of us as something forgivable.

Another day's creeping by but soon it'll be gone,
i know the wrongs i did are irreversible so just condone,
but as i look into your eyes i see my happiness being reborn,
and baby you dont know just how much i wish for all of this to be undone.

Pictorial memory serves and means nothing much to me these days,
i can only see but not feel you, it all seems like some passing phase,
i tried so hard to hide and contain everything, but somehow the truth found its way to surface,
honey you shot me, i'm outta my senses, give me direction and let me mend my ways.

Girl, when i saw you with ME that day,
I swear i couldnt find the words i've been wanting to say,
and now its too late to ask you to stay,
when you've already decided to go your way.

i gave you my heart as you took my hand,
its only you who can ease the pain i cant withstand,
with you around i feel its needless to pretend,
i wont hide the fact that my love for you will never come to an end.

i'll be true, i'll show you just what i'm feeling,
i wont try to explain coz these emotions need no reasoning,
but somehow i wish there is a way to perfect our beginning,
the start of all the things we had just needs some refining.

baby just slow down, i wanna catch up with you some time,
just give me a chance to change whatever that's predefined,
if there is no way to see you at all, oh please just turn me blind,
and take away my soul and all else, if i can never call you mine.

'Give me till the start of a new day to say what i want to,
i gotta let you hear how my heart speaks of a love so true,
now that i've found you, i won't seek solitude,
i'll forever be on my way to you..'

2006-09-10T09:20:00.000+08:00

oh yes.. i actually did SOME of my holiday assignment... surprisingly.. but i stopped, coz i couldnt bear it any longer.. my mind is just not there. love. just what is it? just how do you define l-o-v-e?am i going too fast? am i turning into a psychopath? why am i acting this way? which scares her so. i cant blame my past. i cant blame any1 nor anything. coz its totally my own doing. but then again, the past makes me who i m today. sorta. oh no.. i still choose Not to accept that fact!
LAST YEAR:
i didnt quite care about what love is.. it was totally rubbish to me.. or so i thought. relationshps to me were just a waste of time. coz i'd rather open my tys n work on it. but when i got in2 1, i realise now that i turned to be sum1 so timid. i was scared to do anything.. coz i feared making mistakes. n not forgetting the fact that shes pretty demanding and all. our relationship was very unstable, filled with climaxes n anticlimaxes which would just kill u instantly. thats when i lost my confidence in myself. every bit of it. many excuses were given when she wanted to break up with me. she changed my life. she changed my perception. she changed ME. literally, i evolved to be sum kinda jerk who's now so.. indescribably n utterly sick.. i guess.. i became n introvert. i dare not speak up. i didnt do much. i relented.
THIS YEAR:
it was a rollercoaster ride. the unthinkable happened. i nearly took my own life away on 15 may 2006, 7.59pm, ryte after council meeting. but thank god i didnt. those great pals of mine sure helped me alot in distracting me frm doing all those bloodspilling gross stuff.. not that i wanted to end my life or anything, just that i was punishing myself for feeling remorseful n totally filled with guilt when it wasnt my fault at all. i lost all.. even my faith.

i find it hard to fall in love. but when i do, thats when it struck me.. that shes the 1 for me. i believe that i do not deserve any1 at all.. just look at me now. what good have i done? i only scare ppl.. i so wish she never had to meet a psychopath like me. sigh. iM really very sry. its just that i feel you're some1 i need. some1 whom i see making me happy, even 5 years down the road. i miss those first few days we started communicating with each other. i was the happiest person in this entire universe.. let me also add that i tink i love some1 who will never love me.. m i ryte about that? i honestly think that you will never have such feelings towards me..
although it was only just a few days.. i feel we could really relate well.. i fell for you so fast that it scared the hell out of you.. iM aware of that.
at this point in time, nothing else matters but you.
but i would respect ur decision.. even if you wish to shut me from ur life.. its totally fine with me.. i tink i deserve that.
what you do isnt within my power to control..
n what you want isnt mine to decide..
all i want is to be with you..
honestly..
coz i feel that you're the right one for me..
but if you disagree.. well, what can i say. there are so many others dying to be with you. n u haf a choice. the choice is your to make. not mine. i understand that. n i cant change how u feel towards me. i cant make u love me. i cant make u like me. i cant do anything for its not within my control. i tink ive just lost the biggest part of me.. you.. i dun believe i did it all with my own bare hands.. i messed it up..
TQ always says this to me..
if you love sum1, let them go, if she returns, shes meant to be urs.
this is hurting me so much. but then again, i duno in what way iM affecting her. i may have made her life a nitemare.
i have to accept the fact..
her love isnt mine to keep..
her love wasnt meant for me..
she came but i let the chance slip away.
she deserves some1 better than me..
*heartache*

2006-09-01T11:41:00.000+08:00

saw her yesterday..
;)
she seemed to ignore me..
but later she called me..
it didnt go that bad i guess..
but why the awkwardness if u spoke to me??
why why?
i shouldnt think too much..
now im facing my death!-->an entire set/stack of exam questions from top jcs.
madness..
rjc.. hci and all..
but dun worry..
did a few n it was pretty ok.. not as scary as i thought..
and guess what??
catherine is in rjc!
oh boy..
i did have a thing for smart cookies huh..?
lolx
ok. but that was 2 yr's ago's story..
and its rotten by now..
saw ben that day..
gosh.. why m i bumping into my old crushes NOW??
s'pore..
a small pathetic city i must say..
had a great chat with suhaila yesterday.
and she was asking hows life.. and she gave me that smile and look..
gawd.. i thnk the entire sch noes im not straight i guess..
cuz the other time azizah told me suhaila askd bout me..
if im normal or not.
and so guess what i replied suhaila??
i said..
'its amazingly sweet'
haha..
up to her how she deciphers it la..
had a looooong chat with badariah..
n got invited over to her plc fer hari raya..
hmmm.. nice..
so many heartstopping things happened yesterday..
first major one was nazirah..
who else can make my heart stop like she does??
NO1 can ever do it as well as her!
haha
ok.. im facing GT now..
the graphs are blinding me fer sure..
it felt weird to be reminiscing the past yesterday..
as i approached the hall..
i recalled last october..
o level period..
the invigilator
was so pretty and hot and all
but not forgetting..
i still had her..
and of course no1 beats nazirah..
she has all that i want..
all alll and allllllLLLL...
everything you've ever dreamt of having..
she's so perfect..
slept with my notes last night n when i woke..
it was all crumpled under my body, along with the heat it has trapped frm my body..
erm.
ya.. enuf of the description ya..
next week=holidays!
yay!
i wanna head to shaz's house to make fried mars bars! yay.. with jaz and all..
but then again, being a great chef, i might alter ingredients to sabotage them,
and make it the worst dish they've ever tasted..
haha!
i wanna c u again.. yesterday wasnt enuf..
when all u did was just smile..
i wanna talk to you..
again...

2006-08-28T19:28:00.000+08:00

why didnt you call at all?
ok ok..
you're bz with ur life now anyway..
sighZ....
velvet sky..
it really reminds me of saturday nites..
its surprising how my hair becomes more manageable as the days pass..
i seriously want to meet up with you..
but..
ya.
you dun contact me anymore..
well, let me just say that most probably you're bz with that guy..
whatever that means..
today was a so-so day..
been hitting the gym more frequently now..
and hell yes..
i do got the stuff now!
yay!
but stil, i gotta get more protein bars to supplement for whatever..
its been crazy lately..
not as bad as b4 though..
just that..
those irritating recurring dreams of you..
nazirah..
why wont you ever leave me in peace?
its not your fault la..
its mine..
for not being able to let go tat easily..
hmm..
shit me..
i've found the recipe for fried mars bars though..
n thats the latest update!
woohoO
cant find that debbie's photos though..

2006-08-27T21:52:00.000+08:00

oh well ya.. putting myself at gunpoint.. mting her this thursday.. yay.. hopefully.. well lets just hope she's the ryte one this time.. but how can it be? shes only sec 2 man.. ok.. who cares bout the age ryte.. but i haf this gut feeling.. there a 99% chance things wont work out la.. but i'll turn up so as not to disappoint her.. but if that 1% proves me wrong..hell i'm gonna go nuts fer her then.. coz how can 1% ever defeat 99%?? she asked to go to sch with her tmr.. but nah.. i cant risk being late fer sch again..! it'l be my 3rd time this year..
nazirah.. youre still at the back of my mind.. duno why.. odd..

2006-08-25T18:00:00.000+08:00

great..
saw her on the bus today..
ok.. thats not impt tho.
she msgd me yesterday using web msg!
gosh im dumb to haf not switched it to vibration mode!
aarrgghhhh!!!!!!!
wat the hell..
but on the bright side, mel replied.. lolx..
ok.. heres another fetish for a basketballer..
hmm.. wats with balls?
i have a thing fer gurls who plays balls i guess..
haha..
im beat..
the sun's staring at me now..
dman it..
having a slpover tonite at my pal's plc..
whee!
then tmr going to study with TQ..
and then..
go bk to mum's hse n MUG..
then..
on sunday, i go bk to pasir ris..
mundane..
going bk to evss nxt thurs..
but will be fetching my dear princess first tho..
going to her sch first..
then going to evss..
n meet the rest..
shes so damn bz these days..
that sux..
sigh
nazirah..
i miss you every sec of every minute of every hour of every day..

2006-08-22T18:53:00.000+08:00

time wont stop for me..
you wont either..
obviously..
coz you've sooo moved on..
and soooo into guys now..
making me soooooo......
i shall not mention..
coz theres no point..
for a moment just now, while talking to that indo guy bout going to the US to study..
i had this crazy thought of quitting nyjc and going to canada instead to study ion the uni.
hows that?
can get a driver's license too!
gawd!
thats so frigging cooL!
but..
do not sidetrack..
FACE REALITY...
but iM considering it..
once i get out of this country..
hopefully i'd be able to forget her..
i wanna be really contented with myself..
and to be with her.
that was my dream all this while..
but thats no longer possible i know..
it was 4 months ago..
i still wonder.
whats wrong with loving sum1 of the same gender?
without doing anything sexual..
sigh..
you have a different opinion i guess..
shall not force you to see things my way..
the skies were hardly ever bright..
ever since you left..
it all gloomY..
and it seriously dampens my mood..

i wanna face up to reality..
but i find that it gets harder as i go along..
coz all this time..
it was you who put me back on my feet..
who gave me those words..
who gave me the strength which i was never able to gather..
who gave me direction in life..
and adding meaning to it..
who filled my world with nothing but 'pleasantries'
getting me high each time..
never failed to make me smile..
and best of all..
the biggest part of me..

2006-08-22T18:31:00.000+08:00

wat a pleasant day it was..
esp when you couldnt stay off my mind for even 1 sec..
sigh..
so now i got the ans..
you were totally besotted with faz..
her GOD DAMN GREAT LOOKS ARE GOD DAMN FUCKING HEAVENLY..
ya i get it now..
now you're crushing over sum new guys at your sch..
OK.. IM DEAD JEALOUS AND SAD OF COURSE..
some1 told me to wake up and face reality..
gosh that sux..
who is she to say that anyway..
i do wat i wanna do..
i wanna ponder..
i wanna dream..
i just wanna be with you..
ok.. thats not the point really..
i have something to say..
but havent said it since 1 month ago.
its a secret only i know..
not even shaz noes bout it..
ok.. let it be..
if i were to tell any1, they'd most likely think im nutZ..
only i know.
n it shall be kept that way..
psycho..
nvm..
had SPA today..
gawd..
the instructions were GOD DAMN misleading..
and the fire actually became bigger when i tried to extinguish it..
tank god i didnt set the lab on fire!
ahaha!
it'd be better if i did..
lolx
on the whole, today was pretty saddening i must say..
her voice kept playing in my head..
haha.. you know, i've been reading the diary ive been intending to give to you all this while..
but you wouldnt want it anyway..
contains the details of every second we were together..
hmm..
plus several pix..
i shouldnt ask y you changed..
you chose that way..
n i have nothing to do but to accept it..
i wanna meet sum1 who can love me more than you did..
but even so..
i doubt i can love any1 as much as i loved you..

and schyze wonders if she'll ever say those words again..
not in his lifetime perhaps.
not even the next..

saw pretty qy just now.. and frm afar she greeted me with a smile that melted me totally..
subconscious.. but got back to my senses..
ok.. 1 very interesting fact..
she eats tomatoes every morning in sch. isnt that cute..
haha...
on top of that shes a total facial freak..
(like me) thats the part all of you ought to noe.. but no1 ever reads my blog anyway..
so only I READ MY BLOG.
and only i can see myself go crazy..
theres the volleyballer, 2basketballers, pretty qy, ev plus my latestest craze...
the chem lecturer..
gosh she sends me straight to heaven..! aha..
shes not exactly hot.. but HOT...!
lolx..
ok.. enuf gushing fer today..
coz i just realised..
i miss her so much altho im surrounded by my eyecandies..

2006-08-21T18:55:00.000+08:00

being indifferent isnt all that different after all.. and thats what i think..
my collar pin's upside down.. my hair's a total wreck..
my mind's in a god damn mess..
but still.. i find happiness in loving you.. the fact that i love you is perhaps the reason y im still alive.. i wanna be seen in your future.. but unfortunately.. iM out of your league.. totally surrounded by my eyecandies.. but so whaT? theres still not much in seeing them around.. til this day... and til the day i die.. you'll always be knwon as the only one who loved me for me.. and the one whom i still fall in love with everyday.. is there any1 out there who can love me more than you did? i doubt so..

[i woke up to find myself in a pooL of blood.. it hurts and kills to love you so much, yet i stil indulge in it.. i love you too much to let it go..]

2006-08-21T18:20:00.000+08:00

hmm....
i feel you...
i sense your presence..
i wanna feel your love..
i wanna be urs again..
you've totally changed..
you're straight..
heartbreaking to know that sum1 i've loved all this time..
has changed to be someone else..
i want to be able to control myself.. my emotions..
but what do i do when i'M totally and hopelessly still madly in love with you..
i cant help but count the stars each nite and hope to see a sign..
to tell me theres hope still..
to tell me i have a future..
i dont quite show the breaking glass..
but soon, you'll come to know just how shattered i am..
nah.. not advisable to show la..
ever since i lost you..
i know i can never love another..
i love you and only you..
i wouldnt want to be with any1 else if its not you..
i can wait a lifetime..
but you know, im not granted forever to live..
i was given you..
but your love wasnt mine to keep..
it was for some lucky guy out there..

just who was the girl who made me Me?
where is the one who completed me?
i hope someday, you'll fall right from the skies..
and tell me what i'vE been wanting to hear..
you said you'd love me for eternity..
but words were said and never meant..
but thou has mine word..
i will always love you..

2006-08-20T11:41:00.000+08:00

i wonder where you are ryte now..
just what are you doing this instant..
im falling deeper..
appear at my doorstep..
tell me you need me still..
tell me its me til forever..
tell me you still do..
tell me it was meant to be..
tell me.. tell me.. tell me..
come running into my arms..
never let me go..
nothing can tear us apart..
nothing..
95 days..
nothing has come..
all keeps going..
and my heart sinks..
i hear nothing now..
i see a mist ryte before me..
just where are you...
forever i will remain empty..
you're not here to fill me up..
i need you..
pls.. let there be a miracle..
why doesnt she call me at all?
why hasnt she?
nazirah... nazirah.. nazirah...
this sux big time..

2006-08-18T23:56:00.000+08:00

i'M drenched*..
sat at the rooftop ryte above the labs during lunchbreak..
YT brought her laptop along..
and we sat with jiaci.. and so we listened and sang to the songs.. lolx..
and at the same time, rushing thru our tutorial 8c which we tot was due today..
the breeze..
the peace and quiet..
i laid down on the rooftop..
and as i gazed upon the very clear sky..
the tot of you came to me again..
i was pretty amazed..
by the fact that all this tyme,
all i've been doing was to keep you off my mind,
when i noe i hardly could..
the skies have been cleared..
my heart, emptied..
but still, theres a stain which i can never make disappear,
no matter how hard i try to be rid of it..

2006-08-14T19:34:00.000+08:00

i want to go back to 15 may..
i wanna say the words i didnt back then..

2006-08-12T23:51:00.000+08:00

was sitting at boat quay today..
i was recalling last december.. 9december to be exact..
u called me..
you were the forst to wish be happy b'day..
i stared into the waters..
i only saw you..
i miss you..
what happens if i said i miss you..
what happens if i told you i still love you..
there can never be another 23 april 2005..
there can never be a day when i'll get to know you again..
the sky's so dark these days..
probably reflecting how i feel..
beneath my skin, flesh and bones..
all thats left is a beautiful scar carved out by you..
on my heart..
and in it..
lies all those pleasant memories..
that i will hold on to dearly..
til the day i lose myself..

2006-08-12T11:37:00.000+08:00

why do i still wait...?
i haf no idea...
3 more days before 3 months..
erm..
you've completely shut me out..
i c..
you've turned straight..
i c...
gd for you..
i can never get over you..
its only a matter of living with it..
which i still cant.. apparently..
hurt = love..
im nutz..
you left a scar..
so deep...
no1 can ever mend it..
i realized..
not even you..
hope you're happy with the guy you're with.. or soon to be with..
bet he's all you've ever wanted..
take care..

2006-08-07T16:21:00.000+08:00

went jamming yesterday..
ooh boy..
fun fun fun..
sang the song ive been so crazy bt lately..
aha..
all songs dedicated to her..
i cant leave the past..
she can..
amazing..
let me just say this.. i wont get a life.. coz i cant..
tanks to you..
u left me.. just as i was at my most vulnerable..
i fill the emptiness with your name..
i fill my thoughts with images of you...
how much longer do i have to do this..
clueless..
im done for..
trying to console myself..
she has never loved me..
point noted..
she took me on a ride..
another point noted..
but then..
i cant just ignore what i feel..
why is it that i cant forget her?
amazing..
sometimes..
when i miss you too much..
i tink of you more..
but although its hardly that i have time to eve think..
you still are a part of me..
its no wonder i find it hard to let go..
i dont want to let you go at all..
you can hold me up against the wall..
shoot me in the head..
and all other brutal stuff...
but my love for you will remain the same..
am i just crazy or wat.. to be loving someone this much..
how i wish i can hear your voice once again..
to be having late nite conversations with you..
to have you smile at me always..
its hard to pick up those broken pieces..
esp when you're the one who broke it..
you took away some pieces..
which is why i find myself incomplete without you..
you can say all you want..
you can do what you like..
i love you too much to let it affect me in any way..

2006-08-06T10:27:00.000+08:00

ben n jerry's rawk my world..
while fried mars bars keep my brains fried..!
why do i think of her every now and then?
this is utterly ridiculous..
i was just thinking of my life 2 years from now.. where will i be?
london sch of economics?
singapore management university?
i wanna go Princeton..
i wanna go harvard..
i wanna go MIT..
i wanna go here.
i wanna go there..
i wanna go everywhere..
i wanna be a personal banker..
i wanna be a financial analyst..
i wanna be a hairstylist..
i wanna be a singer..
but most likely i wanna end up a personal banker..
where i'll be earning tens of thousands per month..
ooh..
ok.. nice..
she gives me motivation..
she gives me strength..
my past helps me propel forward..
so that i wont fall back..
how does love turn to hatred?
precisely..
good qn isnt it?
its just what some1 wants to see it as.. although its not for real..
human behaviour..
interesting..
wat if i were to become a criminologist?
ok..
certainly..
my plans are so..
hmmm...
ryte...
imagine.. if i were to still be w her..
everything wil not fall into place..
coz just how far is she willing to go? or will she even motivate me enough?
nah..
doubt she can..
now ive found my new source of motivation..
but it aint necessary though..
coz i myself am motivated already..
i push myself to the limit..
go beyond it.. til i tire out.
but not giving up..
i wish she was the one..
but i have to consider my own welfare too..
too temperamental..
thats what she is..
and to think that she thinks i treat her like a dog?
nah.. i aint that kind you know..
sheesh..
words are never clear to her..
why why why?
coz we're hardly of the same wavelength..
unfortunately..
but why was it that i could even fall for her?
apparently..
my feelings outweigh all other factors..
i usually go for those really smart cookies..
ya.. like such terms exist..
well they do dont they?
aha..
but she made me experience a love that is...
totally mind blowing and indescribably deep..
deep..
thats the word..
hmm... whatever that was.. im sure its love..
ya.. im absolutely certain bout that..
just why did she shut the door to her heart..?
just as we could go even further?
weird..
i still havent gotten an answer from her..
i tink honestly..
she goes fer looks..
and wants to be wanted by many ppl..
which is why she doesnt enter any relationship..
so as not to be tied down by any commitment..
whatsoever..
smart arent i..?
she wants everything..
*yikes* the truth does hurt after aLL..
and what does that make her?
_ _ _ _..
apparently. i do have the decency to censor that word for you dear gal..
i wanna make it big in life..
to prove to myself that watever setbacks i faced before..
was nothing to me.
although it was..
it meant the entire world coming down, crashing on me..
ouch!
hmm..
just how many days do i need to design a website?
FOREVER..
thats my word for you..
forever we shall be..
forever it will be..

2006-08-05T13:49:00.000+08:00

send myself to sleep..
dream of what i want to..
darkest fantasies..
qian yi..
lana..
ain..
sophina..
anna..
jc-ians are hot..
goshes..
stop gushing.. lolx
my temp rises..
my heart's racing..
seven nation army..
supermassive black hole..
my latest craze..
but you're a bigger craze of mine..
thanks fer the 1 hr chat last nite..
and i went partially deaf after that..
thanks to your so loud voice..
and ur occasional screams..
barely slept..
how do i put it to you..
we're making progress..
but not in a way i expected..
wrong direction..
lets move back to the beginning..
restart everything..
sry im not going fer the bbq today gal..
im too lazy to..
hanging out with them instead..
furthermore.. you'll be busy and preoccupied with activities later on..
ps i love pampering you.. aha
more chocs next time ya..
note: still on with the 999 roses eh?
aha..
ur mum will kill me fer sure..
lolx
take care and have fun..
though its not much fun when im not around..
your smile is like a shot to me..

2006-08-05T13:40:00.000+08:00

just as i needed you..
you werent there..
girl..
you failed me..
you disappointed me..
you broke my heart..
no1 can do it better than you..
sad to say..
before i sleep..
i pray..
i hope..
i wish..
that when tomorrow comes..
i'll forget you..
but no matter how i try..
no matter what i do..
i cant deny the fact that i still love you...
im insane..
im a nutcase..
im a psycho..
but you're no better..
you're no higher..
set myself ablaze..
drown myself..
all thats affected is the exterior..
my inside's still the same..
my feelings remain..
my thoughts unaffected..

2006-08-05T08:00:00.000+08:00

thanks so much.
it certainly doesnt pay to have loved you all this time even..
whats your purpose of condemning me?
i know..
the only reason why you're so bitter about it is coz you too have yet to get over it..
for now..
you're just in denial..
even if i love you..
what can you do?
i know you'd be god damn fucking happy on the day i die..
isnt that true..?
so in your heart you can say 'the past is gone.. and can never bother me..'
why do you still hurt me?
why?
what have i done this time?
loving you isnt a crime..
and you think i like being in this state?
where im condemned by you?
just because i love you..
doesnt mean you can say anything to me..
i wonder if you've ever felt this way before..
but looking at how you're treating me..
certainly not..
you're hurting me even worse than when i was with you..
i'm sure one day..
you'll regret what you've done to me..
for i noe what lies in your heart still..
but one thing's for sure..
i realized that cutting isnt the only solution..
ya.. damn it..
i dont believe i lost a fren due to cutting coz of you..
stupid me..
but you're worse..
if you hate me so much..
kill me..
ok?
you were the one who turned your love to hatred..
you forced it to be..
and you're not over it..
and for your god damn fucking information..
im getting close to someone..
whose maturity is way beyond yours..
and whose love is genuine..
and definitely..
shes not a heartbreaker..
she makes me forget the little things that ruin my day..
such as THIS
if only i was living with her..
then i dont have to suffer even for a second
i dont quite care if you love a guy or a girl..
who cares?
'i dont want to be loving you back'
thats what you said..
like duh..
i got the message..
'faz is my life'
remember?
i'll see just how far you'll go in life..
ok?
i'm so sure no1 has done what you did to me before..
nevermind..
its ok..
be glad that im the forgiving type..
and not 1 who'd turn nasty..

100706 was the day which changed my life completely..

2006-08-03T21:29:00.000+08:00

you broke me..
you put me together..
but at last..
you decided to shatter me again..
and leave me that way..
im living a life..
im having feelings..
what i feel is for real..
the feelings that i cant get rid of..
and ure thinking i like it this way..
coz i noe you hate me so much..
for loving you too much..

2006-08-02T21:44:00.000+08:00

i wanna be left alone..
with you..
by my side..
i could wish for a million things, which can come true..
but only one..
wont..

2006-07-30T20:00:00.000+08:00

only you know just how i feel..
and only you know how to cure me..
i'm waiting for you to mend my broken heart..
nazirah... i've been trying to make myself heard and seen.. but i fail each time i try.. i want you back in my life.. to make things perfect like before.. the feeling of having you near me.. its just like heaven.. i wanna say this to you.. i love you and i always will.. in ten years, or twenty years, and more.. my love for you only deepens.. i wanna love you like before.. like theres no tomorrow.. for when you're near me, i feel that nothing else matters..

2006-07-30T09:58:00.000+08:00

nervous wreck..
jittery..
a whole lot of things running thru my mind..
i could hardly figure out what i was thinking..
i had so wanted to meet you..
but at the same time..
i was afraid to..
walked you home..
and we had a chat..
the more words i hear from you..
the deeper it cuts me..
honestly speaking..
you are so much better off without me..
you're having the time of your life..
having 'scandals' and stuff..
you dun wish to get into any relationship..
well then.. what haf i to say?
all there is left to say is that i love you still..
and probably thats why it hurts me most..
it was great to have seen you last night..
all you did was tell me about your great life and stuff..
i dont know what else to say..
you havent found the perfect one..
perhaps you didnt even know that you have..
just in denial..
i wanted to tell you i miss you..
but i know you're gonna shut me up for sure..
y?
coz you have many ppl wanting you..
so many ppl who are dying to be with you..
ya..
and you forgo that ONE..
just to go for something more but not that real..
i still question myself..
on whether all you said was for real..
or was it just to psycho yourself..
i'm being honest here..
i tell myself and others that im over you..
but as a matter of fact im not..
this is the truth which im so willing to share with you..
msg-ed tang last night..
and well, ya, she did comfort me and stuff..
thank god for me she's there or i would have lost my mind last night..
its clear that you placed the barriers there all by yourself..
ok fine.. i accept that..
i accept the fact you choose to ignore my love..
and i accept the fact that we can never be..

ihatemyselfforlovingyou

2006-07-28T16:07:00.000+08:00

she's the gal all the guys wanna noe..
she's the gal all the guys and B* are aftering..
its no wonder she left me here all alone..
to think that she hasnt found the perfect one?
or did she reject that one true* love she had?
the truest she's ever known..
i wanna love her..
but she has set the barrier..

'You called me strong,you called me weak,
But still your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head,
If not for me then you'd be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground
If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I’m alive and well,
Will you be there a-holding my hand
I’ll keep you by my side
With my superhuman might
Kryptonite'

going so crazy over this song..
for now that is..
i should say that song is suitable for you..
ya..
i need you more than ever..
69 hrs since your last call..
73 days..

2006-07-24T21:45:00.000+08:00

if only..
it would have been one year of knowing you..
one year together..
i dont know what i am doing now..
each time i say that i dont, i still do..
every word of lie that i speak, hurts me..
i cant carry on lying..
i cant keep denying..
the very fact that i still love you..
i tried to move on..
i tried to live the way you wanted me to..
n i tried to accept the fact that u no longer want me in your life..
i tried..
but the feelings are too strong to ignore..
just came back frm.. boy.. im so late..
i still remember the time you told me that u dun wish to see me..
you're afraid you might think of the past..
but just how much better is the present?
you may have seemed happy with faz..
that im totally out of your life during the time you were with her..
no importance..
no significance..
to you at all..
*i stood helpless as i watched you take my life away*

im down on my knees

2006-07-23T10:46:00.000+08:00

i had no idea that i still uhm.. have feelings for you..
dreamt of you actually..
i guess i miss you so much that i even dreamt of you..
its in my dreams that i can see just how much you mean to me..
coz when im awake, i tend to deny..
i fake it all..
putting up a strong front..
i still havent stopped counting..
i'll never be able to..
why.. just why does my heart still ache..
why do i feel the sharp pain?
why do i still think of you now and then?
i smiled to myself, after waking from the dream..
whatever that happened in my dream..
was it what you've been trying to say to me all this time?
my heart feels heavy..
as im still grieving..
your long absence is definitely taking its toll on me..
i thought to myself..
i know..
i can never find another..
who treasured me..
who loved me..
as much as you did..
i shouldnt have held my head up high..
when i knew you were by my side..
i shouldnt have taken things so easily and for granted..
it hurts..
alot still..
but i just dont show it to the world..
although you still mean so much to me..
i keep it inside..
coz it'll bring more hurt..
to remind myself that you've stopped loving me..
*ididntknowthere'dbeadaywhenihadnochoicebuttolivethewayyouwantmeto*
i guess youre still with him.
and being happy with that..
ok.. i shouldnt disrupt your happiness..
i should be happy to see you happy..
but how can i be happy to see some1 i love, love some1 else?
5th may.. do i have some kind of power to see the future?
coz ten days later, things happened the way it did in my essay..
i wish......
you are*, like you once were..

still in dreamland

2006-07-18T15:30:00.000+08:00

i've lost my ability to reason..
treason..
just the word..
broke down just now..
god.. how did that happen?
let the pain surge.. let it be intense.. let it be numb..
as long as it can divert my attention..
break away from distress..be my old self... no matter what i do.. i can never avoid feeling this way..
i'm too torn apart to feel any physical pain..
my mind is too messed up to think any further..
how i long to end everything...
just so that i can make myself complete..
apparently what i do..
sees no meaning..
pleasure streams down the pale jagged veil..
each time It makes its cut..
over and over again i feel..
like life isnt anything much..
i lost the war..
i lost myself..
love is never fair..
feelings can never be expressed..
i cant be understood..
leave myself..
leave this place..
63 days..
i dont ask why..
i only want to know how..
nothing i do can ever bring me back to that time..
i cant take anything back..
i cant regret..

i've come this far only to see that i've run out of feelings..
sometimes i wish the person i love most was meant for me..

2006-07-10T20:19:00.000+08:00

i didnt know i had such strong feelings for you.. all this while i just thought to myself 'how can this be happening when you havent even talked to her?.. until i saw you that day... i went so crazy inside.. ooooohhh.... so outta my mind!! stayed back to accompany you just now.. :-) i love the way you sway your hips, the way you look at me from afar.. and the smile you give that never failed to burst this bag of excitement in me... seems like i've known you.. i could talk soo much to you that we were hardly paying any attention during lecture.. tsk tsk.. gd thing we didnt get caught eh? well, hope you're having a great time now copying my maths tutorial.. you'll have a hard time figuring out those words and numbers i bet!

nazirah... why the silence? i sense that somtething is just not right.. is he treating you well? i hope you're happy than i think you are.. i just want you to take gd care of urself.. i'm here if you need me..

2006-07-07T13:21:00.000+08:00

i officially give up...
my wait has come to two months now..
if it was meant to be, i wouldnt have to do so much to get her..
i love her but she doesnt love me at all..
this is the way it is..
and i have to accept it..
i dont belong in her heart..
i will give up everything.. even my innermost desires..
just to see her happy..
thats just how much i love her..
i gave up on her, coz that'll make her happy..
but i'll always be here for her..
i'll give her my blessing..
she chose some other..

i put this shades on to conceal the breaking glass..
i put on this armour to hide the splinters.. not for my own protection.. but rather to keep you safe from harm..
letting go was never easy.. but if that's the only way to make you happy, i'd do it..

if i was the last man standing.. i know you'd avoid me..

i watched as you fade into the distance..

2006-06-25T11:16:00.000+08:00

when will i see you again?
i'm still waiting..
i wait for your call..
i stare at my fone the entire day..
just hoping to receive your call..
i did the craziest thing that day actually.. i went someplace near your house..
i was some sort of reminiscing the past.. its like every corner i turn, it reminded me of something..
i walked past evss that night.. only to recall our walks to sch.. and 10 march.. the day you comforted me after our breakup..
i walked past your block and sat somewhere at the park, only to remember those times i waited for you on saturdays..
i want so much to see you...
as i walked down those places which fills my memory, i felt it all.. flashes of what occurred back then..
i felt so empty that day as i walked past those places..
soo empty as i could not do so once more with you..
i really couldnt get to sleep last night..
my missing you too much is taking too great an effect..
sigh..

weaker by the day

2006-06-24T08:40:00.000+08:00

strange recurring dreams...
god, i miss her like hell......
pls, pls... at least let me see her...
i just wanna see her once more....
i wanna feel how i used to feel each time i saw her..
39 days....
i want her sooo much!!!!!!!!
we've found out the very truth..
i cant live without you..
but as for you.. i think you can..
you have so many others who love you and whom you love..
that makes me soo out of your league..
no longer a part..
im no longer significant....
god damn it...
i need her soo much...
but why did things change??????
i cant do anything if she doesnt even like me now...
and its gonna be one sided..
i still love her soo much!
god... pls.... help me!
if its only one sided, if she doesnt like me now, just make me lose my mind..
so i wont feel what i feel...
and i wont know my past...
and i wont know anything....
at least do something to put me out of my misery...
i dont want to feel this way any longer...
i want her soo much..
but things are just not going my way..
shes lost all her feelings for me..
i want her...
but why?? just why did it have to be this way?

partying by myself..

2006-06-21T11:40:00.000+08:00

evelyn gave up on me.. haha.. we're just friends now.. like we were before.. we werent anything at all i guess, ryte from the very start.. we were simply very close thats all..
thats fantastic man.. i dun quite care now..
i seem to be focusing so much on you still..
im free next wed.. coz i end sch like damn early.. at 10am.. can we meet then? and i think im also free on nxt thurs, fri.. ^.^ no sch..
good to see you're putting in lotsa effort for your exams.. im happy for you..
hope all that hard work pays off.. im sure it will..
im trying to drive away those insanely absurd fantasies.. but its too hard to resist anyway..
haha..
my life seem so clear now.. its even weirder than you're on my priority list you know..
i wonder..
im always sleeping very very late, these few weeks.. at 3 am just now, i was standing at my balcony.. staring at the dark velvet sky.. and just looking at the clouds moving.. and i suddenly thought of you, i was thinking if you were already asleep.. and if so, were you sleeping well... well i hope you did..
the azure sky reflects my past..
so clear.. so easy to get thru anything..
life has its challenges.. and losing you was one of them..
its odd how i can still talk and describe so much about that incident and how i felt and so on..
but seriously.. the bottom line of it and the point im trying to get at is..
i really miss you.. 36 days.. and still on the counting..
do you even remember how i look like? haha.. just wondering la..

- you left me here to wonder
- if i could take on that very challenge
- i knew i couldnt make it thru
- but i had faith in you
- i understand that what you did
- was to help me in a way
- or maybe many ways
- and at the same time
- you wanted to discover more about life
- and so you had your share
- and i had mine
- its a meaningfuL journey
- that you put me thru
- coz i know that without you
- i wouldnt have learnt to cope with any loss
- i wouldnt have known how to keep my mind in tact
(altho its not even on normal days.. lol)
- i was really being put to the test
- of whether i'd survive
- or if i'd give up just so easily
- you showed that admitting defeat wasnt the only way out
- but rather, fighting with my own thoughts and feelings
- and be in total control of myself

*getting high with my own thoughts.. filling me up.. indulging in my own favourite sin..*

*you made me partial only coz it'd make me whole once more*

*iloveyou*

you were, you are and you will be..

2006-06-19T10:44:00.000+08:00

i keep thinking of you these days..
no point trying to forget you.. coz i dun want to and i cant!
lol
the thought of you keeps me happy..
^.^
anyway.. good luck for your exams..
hope you studied though..
gosh i miss those days when i get to see you soo very often..
none of us knew 15 may would end it all ryte..
nazirah.. at times i wonder..
what would happen after you graduate from ite?
will it be the end of our friendship? coz by then you would have supposedly gotten a job and maybe a boyfriend too..?
and you wouldnt contact me anymore? i mean even now.. you dun contact me..
i have a feeling you make calls only to faz.. am i ryte to say that? i tink i m..
i can never run out of words to say to you..
although i appear speechless to many..
i wish too much and too often..
but this time i wish for sumthing i've never felt or had with you before..
*make my wish*

i guess that once, i loved you, and forever it will be..
nothing you say or do will make me stop loving you..
or love you less..
love is strange..
and love is great..
esp when i'm still in love with sum1 whom i had a past with..

*the burning desire never fades out
the once lusting crush grew to love
a love which never sees an end
for i've come thus far via thee love*

i love you now, tomorrow, in years to come, even when the sun stops shining, and when the stars stop glowing, and even as the earth breaks apart..

*i feel that what i feel is something no1 else can feel for you coz no1 can ever feel what i feel*
and no1 can ever know just how much i love you..
even you wouldnt know it.. :-)

2006-06-16T12:16:00.000+08:00

a spark of happiness..
just tell me when you're free.. then we'll arrange a day..
:-)

2006-06-15T09:07:00.000+08:00

no matter where i turn..
no matter what i do..
i cant run away from the fact..
that im still deeply in love with you..

idle

2006-06-13T11:12:00.000+08:00

she likes a guy...
shes totally over me..
she flirts
she no longer has the time for me
she prefers the real thing
not the artificial
she doesnt like me
she doesnt love me
nothing can be renewed
love cannot be reinvented
love wasnt there in the first place
if it was meant to be
whatever is, would not have been
dont think of her
get her out of your mind
you need to do so
just leave everything behind
its for your own good
your own benefit

but the truth is i cant

when everything collides.. everything goes wrong..

2006-06-12T11:02:00.000+08:00

lyana.. you gotta stop torturing urself.. its gonna hurt even more.. just go for the one who loves you.. you can work on love.. just give yourself some space.. free yourself.. dont destroy yourself..

but... how can i possibly? does He want me to stay in this state forever? am i just a melancholic? NO! its not me who wants to see myself sad.. but what about evelyn.......... i want to go with her.. but i want someone else at the same time.. its just so fucking hard to let go of her.. i dont want to let go of her..

but look at what it has landed you in...! her friend says she so over you, and that you should get a life..

i want to but i CANT

ok.. this is like the dunno how many times i initiated a convo woth myself..
if she was meant to be mine, she'll contact me..
but the fucking fact is she doesnt.. get that in your mind lyana...
she HAS NEVER loved you and WILL NEVER!

quick to deny my own feelings while others asked.. im the greatest pretender.. i dont want to show how weak i am.. im so easily defeated by my own emotions.. damn.. maybe some find it amusing to see me this way.. i guess thats why..
why wont He show me a sign or something.. does she detest me that much? my fingers are like numb from writing too much.. recurring thoughts.. stupendous mistake..

ridicule me..
it went all fime that day.. but i still feel the same.. as though i didnt even go fer it.. whatever..

am i one who brags about my looks? no i dont..
am i one without looks at all? hmm.. thats something to really ponder upon..
am i one who flirts? hmmmmm.... *grinz* only when i m single.. and ya, thats the truth..
am i one who'd die for my loved one? well, of course.. thats understooD.. but then again, you see, if i were to die, she'd be sad.. so i dont really noe about this..
am i one who likes to please my gf? who doesnt?
am i one who takes advantage of my gf? not at all, nothing can ever measure up to the love i have for her..coz its way deeper than just caresses and kisses..

im just too free to even think of all these while i laid in my bed..
im soo free now, yet she doesnt even wanna meet up.. when i used to be so bz, she always wanted to mt.. now im like totally FREE.. no cca, no sch now.. i guess its time i changed..
i've changed a little on the outward appearance.. and im still working on it..

one hint.. i know she's over the moon right now, enjoying life with her prince charming.. and shutting her world from any outsiders like me.. for she does all that he tells her to..
sad story for me isnt it? ya.. of course.. and only i understand how i feel..

its such a shame to see myself in this state..

a surprise for you.. ;-)

2006-05-02T19:53:00.000+08:00

There's something you're missing if you don't give another shot at it,

I myself know how unstable our relationship can be,

But don't ever leave me just because of how flirty you claim me to be,

Honey, I'll never put you in that situation coz it's just not me.

Infidelity no matter how tempting has never ever crossed my mind,

Because I truly treasure whatever that is already mine,

Sugar, i don't know what to do now that we're running outta time,

I'll never give you up coz i don't want our love to be left undefined.

Corruption has now set in now that insanity has taken over,

I can't control myself I'm already thinking of my last hour,

But no matter what happens there's this one thing I will remember,

That is you teaching me how to be a terrific dreamer.

I wish somehow time was in favour of this situation,

And the world to be protective and shield us from other kinds of temptation,

Leaving just the two of us in perfectly unbreakable isolation,

Giving us the time to keep on ice our love's creation.

Engage in a private moment together to make confessions of our all along sole intention,

Get high on 'intimate' pills to give our love a little more definition,

Savour and indulge in this sinful thing, and remember all the unforgettable sensation,

But i guess it was too much of a pleasure that i ended up on probation.

I can be your superhero you won't regret having,

I can be you watch dog which need no training or taming,

I can be your lifeguard to save you from drowning,

Just mention what you want coz I range from nothing to everything.

We can be the couple under the big chandelier,

We can be doing almost every single thing together,

I still choose to deny what's in stored for me in the future,

I don't want to wander around only to face any kinda closure.

Before you take your flight and go your way, just keep this in mind,

"I know for sure I will never ever come across anyone else so divine,

So baby just pack up don't look back have no regrets coz you've made up your mind,

To lead a new life don't worry about me I'll be just fine."

dear, the one in italic, is meant for the future, when you decide its time to leave me.. although you know i wont be fine when you leave me, just take it as i'll be fine.. ok? i would love to see you happy.. although i know i myself can make you happy..